Chapter Two: Desperately Seeking Premium Cable

Now Casting: Temporary Boyfriend, with potential for long-term relationship depending on whether or not I decide to pay for cable again.

Requirements:

—Must have cable, including premium channels such as HBO and Showtime

—Must watch Shark Week every year religiously (or just this year will work too)

—Personality: quiet, especially during television programs. Funny is OK, as long as you don’t try to crack jokes during the show.

Upcoming dates will include:

—Friday, August 2 at 11:00 p.m. PT when Jay-Z will release his new music video on HBO

—Sunday August 4 through Sunday August 11, in order to watch Shark Week every night starting at 7:00 p.m. PT

Rules:

—There will be no touching of any kind during the “temporary boyfriend” period, unless you are advanced to the next round, which will be “seasonal boyfriend.” Relationship/television viewing rules will be renegotiated at that time.

—No talking during shows unless you are discussing the actual show.

Please apply via email, and be sure to include a picture of your couch, the size of your television and other programming interests.

Four weeks into my television cleanse, reality has set in.

It hasn’t been horrible, but sad. As a cord-cutter, the emotion is not bitter-sweet, it’s irritable. Irritated that any show available to watch online the same day it airs I have zero interest in watching. Annoyed that just when I think I can make it without cable, “they” decide to get creative and bring something to TV that never used to exist. It’s like finding out the grocery story no longer carries shampoo and you have to pay more at a specialty shop. What is this?

I’m talking mostly about my cable dilemmas from the past week, which have left even me surprised. The typical shows I have watched in the past year aren’t at all what I’ve been yearning for. It’s the new shows on networks such as E! that don’t air their shows anywhere at all; premium cable networks, such as HBO, that I can’t subscribe to without cable; and the once-a-year series, such as Discovery’s Shark Week, that I know won’t be back for an entire year.

When I first agreed to chronicle my cord-cutting experience for Brief, I debated whether I should hold back from watching any cable at all or allowing myself to watch where I could. However, for research purposes, I decided against that. I’ve actually found that dabbling at my parents’ and friends’ houses has made me even more aware of what I’m missing. Just like music, every one of us is drawn to a different type of network and genre of shows. Some of us stick to history and comedy, others feed off of reality. I love drama and I’m a religious docu-series viewer.

While we were planning PromaxBDA: The Conference last year, a friend and I discussed how out of this world it would be to have Will.I.AM as a speaker at our L.A. event. It wasn’t an idea that evolved into anything, but I find him a pop-culture icon and an innovator in technology, television and music.

Last weekend, I was visiting my parents in Laguna Beach, and after dinner we tuned into E! Next up was the brand new “Pop Innovators” biography series featuring Will.I.AM! Pop-culture, biography and documentary all in one show? My viewing dream come true. However, the dream quickly faded into grim reality when I left my parents’ house and headed back up the 405. I scoured the Internet for sites where I could watch E! shows. I came up with nothing. Without cable, I am left with just one option and that is to just get over it. Or spend more time with my parents.

To make matters worse, when I was listening to KIIS-FM on the way to work the next day, I learned that the first video from Jay Z’s recent album, “Picasso Baby: A Performance Art Film” will air on HBO tomorrow at 11:00 p.m. Since when could I not access music culture without cable?

Finally, during my daily routine of selecting Brief articles for our social feeds, I came across the most amazing photo of all time, one that would typically get me really pumped, but this one was only depressing (and not just for the seal): “It’s a Bad Week to Be a Seal – Shark Week, Sunday August 4.” After quickly making my way to Discovery’s website, Hulu Plus, and even Twitter to find out if I could see these online next week (with no reply from @sharkweek, by the way) I started to panic. Starting this Sunday, I won’t be able to watch one of my favorite seasonal series for the first time in about eight years.

On top of that, did you all hear about Google’s new Chromecast? It’s almost exactly like AppleTV, but $70 less! If only I had found out about this four weeks ago when I purchased my AppleTV.

My plans for this weekend? I’ll be trying to think positively about my situation—I am determined to beat this! In the meantime, I’m contemplating finding my temporary perfect boyfriend: a quiet but thoughtful man who has cable and premium channels, a comfy couch, and a big TV.

If you have any suggestions for me, please comment below!

Read last week’s article Diary of a Cord-Cutter - Chapter 1: Going Cold Turkey

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