HGTV’s Property Brothers are coming to PromaxBDA: The Conference in New York City in June! This is what excitement looks like for me. Please note, I’ve worked with talent. Lots of talent. Some with more talent than others, but “talent,” nonetheless.

Every now and then, someone comes along that makes me forget I am a Seasoned Entertainment Marketing Executive (SEME) and I lose my shit a little. The Property Brothers fall into this group for me. Yes, they are undeniably adorable — and twins! — but that’s not the reason I’m fascinated (ok, it’s part of the reason).

Hello, my name is Tricia and I am a Property Brothers addict. If there’s a 12-step program for this addiction, I want no part of it. I am unabashedly a little obsessed with these two hosts/real-estate wizards/renovation and design experts. I have no real idea of what Drew and Jonathan will be talking about at the Conference. No doubt, something to do with marketing or social media blah blah blah. That’s nice. Here’s what I really want to know:

1. Tell me oh tell me about the whack jobs (and by this I mean the home owners) that have been on the show. Drew, do you want to grab them by the shoulders and shout into their eager faces: “Are you insane? Do I really have to tell you that cannot get a 4-bedroom, open-concept home with a music room, designer kitchen and fire pit in the backyard for anywhere near your paltry budget? Must we go through this charade in which I show you your dream home and then — wait for it — inform you there is no way in hell you can afford this house?”

Please tell me, Drew, that you pull them aside and give them a stern talking to about reality, budgeting and “setting expectations” even though you know they will ignore you. And even when you know they will bitch and moan when you show them what they cannot possibly afford.

2. Tell me how many houses you have to drag these couples to before they grudgingly decide on which broken-down, beat-up, train-wreck of a house WITH LOTS OF POTENTIAL that they’ll end up buying. I bet it’s at least 20. Because those ungrateful couples with their eye-rolling and heavy sighs just can’t see past the minor water damage and electrical work circa 1929. Have they never watched this show before?

3. Tell me, Jonathan — once they finally accept their financial limitations and watch their dreams crumble around them and buy the money pit — and it’s “demo day,” do you secretly hope that this couple just doesn’t show up to get in the way and awkwardly pick up a sledge hammer and sort of lob it at a wall with no apparent impact whatsoever? Because I do. I hope they’ll just waltz in and say, “Yup, looks like you’ve got this covered, Jonathan. We know we’re just going to be in the way, so just give us a call when you find the asbestos.”

4. Because apparently every house has asbestos. In fact, should I be concerned that right now, here in my home office — which could use a renovation, hint, hint — I should be wearing a mask to prevent asbestos from seeping into my DNA? I’m fairly certain every house ever renovated has one of three things: asbestos, termites, or water damage. Sometimes it’s the trifecta and when that happens, you have to drink double. Speaking of…

5. Do you ever play the Property Brothers drinking game when you watch your show? Because it’s an awesome game and if you haven’t played along, you totally should. I recommend playing with a nice Pinot Noir from the Willamette Valley.

6. When you get through the demo and the inevitable UNEXPECTED water damage/asbestos/termites are discovered and it’s time for the design to begin, do you guys take bets on which of the couple will give Jonathan the biggest headache? You know one of them won’t be able to make up their mind on paint colors, or granite, or flooring. Or they won’t be able to agree and then, Jonathan, you get to add marriage counselor to your already impressive list of skills. Do you ever want to tell them, “Seriously guys, if you don’t make up your mind on polished granite vs. marble, then I’m just going to WALK OUT and leave you two to try to finish this on your own. And I’d like to see how well that goes for you. FYI - Our next spin-off is going be called “Property Brothers: Second Spouse, Second House.”

7. On this note, have you ever heard a couple say, “No double sinks in the master bath. We absolutely forbid it. We believe the couple who shares a sink, shares a life forever.” I’m guessing no on that one.

8. Boxers or briefs? Completely inappropriate question, but this is my dream session so I get to ask what I want. And frankly, I think America (and Canada) deserves to know.

9. Do you guys ever swap clothes and show up on set with Jonathan in a tailored suit and statement tie, and Drew in jeans, plaid flannel shirt and boots? Does it make the crew go “WTF is happening here today?” MINDS. BLOWN.

10. Do you have secret twin language that you use off-screen to talk about the house or the couples behind their backs? I hope so. I really want to believe that you can say things like “Dude, they totally should have bought house # 2 but Nathan just couldn’t see past the choppy floor plan.” And Jonathan says, “Yeah, well Taylor just had to have her floor-to-ceiling revolving shoe closet which is really screwing with my design budget, eh.”

I want this secret language for you and I want it in Canadian. (Editors’ note: Do secret languages exist in Canadian, which sounds exactly like English except for the o’s?)

11. What I really want to know: Will you come redesign my house and take less than three months to do it? Please? I promise I will take all of your suggestions and be extremely clear about marble vs. granite and double sinks in the master bedroom. And my floor-to-ceiling shoe closet doesn’t need to revolve. Just some nice pin lighting will do.

Tricia Melton is the former SVP of marketing and branding for TNT, TBS and TCM. Currently, she is an entertainment and media consultant, who dedicates some of her time to PromaxBDA. Obviously, she enjoys watching HGTV.

Tags:


  Save as PDF